I want to die
Wednesday, July 29, 2009 (8:03 PM)
since a long time ago, i've thought about death and how scary it could be. i remember an aunt telling me once that "death is not scary. why should you be scared? it's like sleeping." that made me even more fearful of death. i imagined myself sleeping forever. the thought scares me. it still does today. yes, it's true that being in a permanent sleeping state means that you won't even realise it. that's what scares me. now that i'm conscious, i cannot imagine myself being without senses forever. for the rest of time. i don't know if there is reincarnation or life after death but being in a permanent sleep state is frightening. not knowing, not existing, not having consciousness... for... ever.
recently i read a book called "the compass". one page talked about life expectancy. it says that we all expect to live longer than the average life span as if we've been granted a manual that says we'll live past a certain age. but that really isn't the case. it somehow led me to think about living forever, which i've always wanted. i keep imagining that one day, scientists will think of ways to keep all of us alive forever. although there will be population problem but that aside, some days ago, i've began to imagine what it'd be like if i do live forever. imagine doing what i am doing now, again and again and again and again and again... with no end.
it makes me want to throw up. makes me sick of it. this made me realise that life is like fine dining. you take a sliver of it and you love it to the max, you crave for more. but that's where you should stop and wait for the next time. because if you keep eating and eating and eating in large portions, you'll get sick of it. it won't be tasty anymore. you'll want to eat something else. and that's why i've come to the conclusion that, given a choice to live forever or die someday, i think i want to die... someday.
not now.