stoic
Monday, October 13, 2008 (10:36 PM)
had a taiwanese friend visiting for the past 5 days. 4 rather, if we disregard the day she departed which was this afternoon. it was a good few days... albeit few.
we settled at timbre @ the substation some 2 days ago, grabbed a couple of drinks each and some pizzas while we drowned in the melodious music amidst the melifluous hums of overdinner chats from the diners. some 2 drinks later, the red bull effect wore off and my eyes grew heavy and i decided to get some rest on the table. as i tried my best to sleep, i could hear the conversation going on between gemma and guang.
「你说你要听个故事...」
the precise timing could be felt. being too conscious of my own presence - pardon the irony - i tried to switch the voices channelling in from the occasionally musical tone language they were conversing in to the music the disc jockey was playing loudly from speakers a reasonable distance away. as much as i tried, i was unable to rest my mind. the texts ran through my ears as if there was a funnel plunged so deep into my ears, the vibrations hit my eardrums before they could even leave the other end. my mind began processing the story. my right shoulder began to hurt from the awkward position i rested my head in. i tried to reduce my movements to avoid interrupting their conversation but the pain was a little worrying to bear. so i shifted as natural as i could till a welcomed rendition of beyond's 海阔天空 sounded. i rose and darted my eyes towards the mini stage. there was no doubt the malay vocalist sang it in cantonese. nevermind the inaccurate enunciations. it was marvellous. i loved his voice.
from there, the plug was pulled and i sank myself back into the sea of music and pleasantries the amplifiers were churning out. the conversation at the very same table i was at blended into the atmosphere as if they never left. nothing else went into my ears for the rest of the night.
till the 2nd set ended, the conversation between them went on. i felt left out and stared all over the place hoping the band would come on soon enough to stop the tentacles of uneasiness from perforating my weak skin. i knew it wasn't gonna happen that soon and i began to sing along to the songs the dj was playing. except that i couldn't sing most of them. this feeling was horribly familiar. before i knew it, i was thrown a question from the 2 previously engaged interlocuters i couldn't reach.
「这世界上有单纯的爱情吗？」
「什么是单纯的爱情？」i wondered. i never got an answer. just an example of a love-routine. i began to think of the question paige asked me some time ago.
"does looks matter to you?"
and as this question came to my mind, they dove back into their mini conversation. the moment a name from the story was mentioned, i knew the circle was closed. i was pushed back to the outer circle. out of the small talk. out of the crowd. out of everything around me. my only circle was the music the band played. i prayed. come back now.
i wanted to voice my opinion...
「这世上所有的事情其实都很简单，是人把它变得很复杂。」
but i decided to hold my peace. afterall, the only thing i knew about the conversation was the テーマ - the protagonist's love life. a day later, i got a chance to voice it flowing from another conversation. whether or not the intended recipient knew where to place it was of lesser importance. somehow, i knew it would end up where it should.
sometimes during our "lameshit" conversations, i could sense something peering out of the apparent laughter gemma appeared to be relishing in. some kind of emptiness. it felt dry. this trip seemed like a search for solace.
some 2 days earlier, we sat at cafeiguana along clarke quay. through the conversation, it was obvious she's a knowledgist. she reads quite widely and talks social stuff. engages in debates relating to societal workings. something i enjoy discussing with people. but we never really had the chance to talk about those things. partly because i take time to understand the very same terms i use in english in perfect mandarin. but i came to an awakening. i have great difficulty articulating my thoughts at times, and i get frustrated when i can't get my points across. i don't like to lose. what more to myself. i get pissed when i end up with a "nevermind" just 'cause my words don't exit the way they form in my brain. i digress. gemma seems to be one who lets things get to her too easily. maybe she needs to learn to let things go a bit.
but these few days was a huge mirror to myself. as much as i appear to be unconcerned, there's this insecurity issue that needs to be addressed. i need to be in security.
or i need to shave the bits between my brows. too tight.
thanks to gemma, i see more of myself now...