patterns of life
Saturday, October 14, 2006 (1:06 PM)
there hasn't been a lot of words in the past few entries. as i've warned in my first post ever that i'll gradually become a minimalist, the time seem to have come.
the recurring patterns of life seem to have tamed me from rambling about the going-ons just so the polar opposite wouldn't happen. i think i am getting past this phase. or am i? as i psycho myself into believing that things don't not happen just because i think about it happening, i question myself at this deduction. but mind is a queer thing. it seems to be yours while at the same time the relation seem to be the other way round. a lot of times i try not to think of something but this certain image keeps appearing in my mind.
as what i've read, whatever issues that confronts you, face it. look straight at it and it disappears. the more you resist, the more materialized it becomes because resistance is the acknowledgement of its existence. but inspirational books don't work overnight. it takes time to take its effect. the old adage, "think before you act" is in "God's" words, not what it should be. sometimes we think too much that we don't act, for the better or for the worse. the only way to change your thinking is to reverse the whole process. act-say-think. do the deed then put it in words and it'll gradually become a reflexive thought.
so, i've taken the first step to changing my thinking by putting my thoughts and expectations here and i certainly do hope that it won't prove me wrong as it has been doing so much of my life. or perhaps i read too much into the relation between thought and deed but i'm sure the relation exists. now i'm holding back again. give me time to think...
-thinking in process-
ok. what's the big deal? after all, i've decided to keep my blessing for the one i love regardless of what turns out. sometimes i just couldn't let go even though most of the time, i've managed to convince myself of my decision. holding on to the possession called for "action" and rolled the film of that figure in my arms. as i relish in the artificial world of thought, i've resigned myself to my fabricated truth. this fabrication, however, could very well be the actual truth.
when i started off this, all i wanted to say was, i've passed my final theory test last night and hopes everything goes well for my practical. car wise, i don't know when the time will come when i can finally get one, but i do harbour the thought that i can get one soon or at least have one in the family where i can use it for the benefit of the resetter. that was after all the reason that pushed me to go for my license asap. but how much of this hope is going to materialize is another issue.
i've performed the deed. or have i? somehow, i'm still holding back on some issues but i'm taking time to move along. this irritable thought pattern is causing social autism in me. i need to let go and get back out to the open where i can just shoot what comes to me - with self-censorship, that is. i sure hope that this self-censorship doesn't get to the extent where i retreat back into my circle of mental-autism.
at the very least, i won't be saying things like "jews are the cause of all the wars in the world" in a drunken stupor. much less to a cop who catches me drunk, driving.