bitter acid
Friday, September 08, 2006 (10:24 PM)
i thought i did it. not really.
i never thought i'd manage it but at least i seemed to have come close to losing it. then one gathering and everything came back. almost.
somewhere from the surface of my aortic pump, a drip of liquid burnt its way in. acid, i thought. but as it went deeper into the core, a bitter feeling surfaced. the conscious state of my mind told myself to lose it but from my subconsciousness, it crept its way back. no. it clawed its way back.
i was indifferent to my phone ringing though i barely receive any calls but what i saw on the display yesterday brought about a mixed feeling of unexplainable anticipation and reluctance. i had known the phone didn't ring for reasons i hoped it be but still, i carried the hope of something unexpected. i was right. my hope didn't materialize. still, i didn't mind what was to befall on me as i took up the baggage of making sure everything goes right. yes, i'm like everyone else. i'd do more for some. much more for others. much much more for the one.
just one.
the errand was done and i thought, "that's it. everything's back to where i was" till the meeting tonight when a figure slid into the seat before i realised it. then someone hit the play button and the "film" rolled. a film titled bitter acid. sometimes, i try to seek solitude in what shakespeare would call "temporal death" but in this death comes an artificial life knitted by the hands of my subconsciousness. how would i have known. without me realising, i was relishing the pathetically occasional soundwaves directed at me from this unforgettable silhouette triggering the node in my brain that reads "happy".
whenever there seem to be some other event pulling this figure away from me, i'd pray hard "no... please." regardless of what the result, i realised it doesn't seem to matter much since i'm not going to walk the thought. but then again, it does matter to me. somehow homo sapiens work this way. would it have been better if evolution hadn't happened? no. charles darwin rules. felix culpa. -out-